1
00:00:01,420 --> 00:00:07,439
What will I do when you are far

2
00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:12,820
away and I am blue?

3
00:00:13,060 --> 00:00:18,759
What will I do when I'm alone

4
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:25,040
with only dreams of you?

5
00:00:55,191 --> 00:00:57,179
Are you Trace?

6
00:00:57,180 --> 00:00:59,890
No, it's the Virgin Mary and I'm looking
for me donkey.

7
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,620
Oh, there you are.

8
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,420
Still raining, is it?

9
00:01:05,421 --> 00:01:09,179
Talking of virgins, where the hell did
you get through my umbrella and my away

10
00:01:09,180 --> 00:01:12,130
day? I took you out open for half an
hour for another ticket.

11
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:13,450
Me?

12
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:17,860
I was outside Virgin Marble Arch like
you said. Where was you?

13
00:01:18,220 --> 00:01:21,760
I didn't say Virgin Marble Arch. I said
Virgin Tottenham Court Road.

14
00:01:21,761 --> 00:01:25,749
You ain't trying to tell me there's two
virgins in Oxford Street this day and

15
00:01:25,750 --> 00:01:26,800
age.

16
00:01:26,801 --> 00:01:31,009
And what the hell do you think you're
doing with that? That's probably Sylvie.

17
00:01:31,010 --> 00:01:33,090
Well, my needs are greater than hers.

18
00:01:33,590 --> 00:01:34,710
As are my sisters.

19
00:01:35,030 --> 00:01:38,030
Oh, I think I'll have to pull out the
London Marathon trace.

20
00:01:38,690 --> 00:01:41,160
Well, I can't give it to an act, can I?
They can aim.

21
00:01:41,630 --> 00:01:42,710
No, it's not.

22
00:01:43,610 --> 00:01:44,660
They can foot.

23
00:01:46,050 --> 00:01:47,100
Give it to me.

24
00:01:48,370 --> 00:01:51,010
Anyway, she'll never use it.

25
00:01:52,750 --> 00:01:54,390
She's agoraphobic, isn't she?

26
00:01:54,391 --> 00:01:58,029
Don't you remember last Christmas when
we had to post her turkey through the

27
00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:59,290
letterbox, limb by limb?

28
00:02:00,190 --> 00:02:01,690
What did you get her then?

29
00:02:02,230 --> 00:02:05,950
Got her a file of facts. A file of facts
for Aunty Sylvie?

30
00:02:06,170 --> 00:02:08,610
Yeah. Help her organise her lifestyle.

31
00:02:09,030 --> 00:02:13,449
She's a 77 -year -old pensioner. She
ain't got a lifestyle, she's got Barrett

32
00:02:13,450 --> 00:02:14,500
Spain.

33
00:02:15,350 --> 00:02:16,730
It's a bargain train.

34
00:02:17,150 --> 00:02:19,450
Only 4 .75 down Barrett Street Market.

35
00:02:19,451 --> 00:02:23,209
Oh, you're unbelievable, you are. You'd
buy a barrel of care dung if it was on

36
00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:24,260
special.

37
00:02:24,990 --> 00:02:26,040
You see?

38
00:02:26,790 --> 00:02:28,900
Now you guess what I got you for
Christmas.

39
00:02:30,030 --> 00:02:31,250
I'm not funny, you know.

40
00:02:31,810 --> 00:02:33,730
Well, didn't you get the final effect?

41
00:02:33,890 --> 00:02:39,790
Look, I treated myself to a genuine fake
cartier lighter for a fiver.

42
00:02:39,791 --> 00:02:43,149
Indistinguishable from the real thing.

43
00:02:43,150 --> 00:02:44,200
Yeah, I'll bet.

44
00:02:44,270 --> 00:02:45,320
See?

45
00:02:53,780 --> 00:02:58,940
Inextinguishable. Anything else, Santa?

46
00:02:59,660 --> 00:03:04,960
Yeah. I've got Dorian 100 mils of Calvin
Klein's obsession.

47
00:03:05,980 --> 00:03:10,360
39 .50 inside boots or two for a tenner
and a suitcase.

48
00:03:12,580 --> 00:03:15,180
And that is the room for it. Oh, yes.

49
00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:19,280
Must be a two for a tenner. Well, it's
not tough, is it?

50
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:22,900
Smells like cat repellent.

51
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:25,860
Hang about. This says Morris Klein.

52
00:03:27,180 --> 00:03:28,230
Don't you see?

53
00:03:29,820 --> 00:03:30,870
Oh, well.

54
00:03:31,180 --> 00:03:34,250
Should stop the local toms peeing on
Dorian's shoulder pads.

55
00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:43,670
Hi.

56
00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:45,320
Still raining, is it?

57
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:55,600
alone tonight with a severe frost in
sheltered areas such as this fort.

58
00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,740
So don't invite me in.

59
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:00,200
Oh, right!

60
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,520
Only shows me!

61
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:19,680
This recorded delivery letter arrived
for you, Tracy.

62
00:04:20,970 --> 00:04:22,610
for it as you were both out. How so?

63
00:04:22,950 --> 00:04:27,450
I must tell you, the post office have
taken on the most gorgeous holiday

64
00:04:28,070 --> 00:04:31,800
I had to invite him in for half an hour
to warm himself up. Poor boy was frozen.

65
00:04:33,430 --> 00:04:35,230
That's the way you like them, Dorian.

66
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:41,090
Here, Dorian.

67
00:04:42,330 --> 00:04:46,570
Talking of postmen, right, do we send
you Jews Christmas cards or what?

68
00:04:47,430 --> 00:04:49,900
I mean, like seeing how you killed Jesus
and that.

69
00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:53,600
Not me personally, Sharon. I was at the
hairdresser's.

70
00:04:55,150 --> 00:04:56,590
You know what I mean.

71
00:04:57,430 --> 00:04:59,660
Well, I'm sending you one if that's any
help.

72
00:04:59,910 --> 00:05:00,960
Oh, great.

73
00:05:07,670 --> 00:05:09,170
Yeah? Lovely.

74
00:05:09,470 --> 00:05:10,520
Not bad, are they?

75
00:05:10,850 --> 00:05:12,350
One ninety -nine for a hundred.

76
00:05:18,780 --> 00:05:20,950
Designs like these never go out of
fashion.

77
00:05:20,951 --> 00:05:24,199
Particularly if you like cards with
enough glitter on them to make an up

78
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,250
-over garage door.

79
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,460
So, Tracy, aren't you going to open the
letter?

80
00:05:30,461 --> 00:05:32,839
Well, of course not. It's addressed to
Daryl.

81
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,550
So? Oh, look, you may have opened all
Chrissie's mail.

82
00:05:35,820 --> 00:05:36,870
Oh, true, true.

83
00:05:36,871 --> 00:05:38,679
Mind you, I don't know why I bothered.

84
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,510
He only ever used to get finaled emails
or death threats.

85
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,730
Daryl and I have always trusted each
other.

86
00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:45,110
Really?

87
00:05:45,111 --> 00:05:48,859
got round to telling you he was a bank
robber then, innit?

88
00:05:48,860 --> 00:05:49,910
It's crazy.

89
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,440
He doesn't have to know. You can steam
it open.

90
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:54,360
I'll just put the kettle on.

91
00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:02,150
Oi!

92
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,600
Do you mind, busy?

93
00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:07,230
You mean to say you really aren't
curious?

94
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:08,550
Well, of course I am.

95
00:06:08,551 --> 00:06:11,479
But I'll take you up the nick and he can
like me for himself tomorrow.

96
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:12,530
Oh, brilliant.

97
00:06:15,370 --> 00:06:16,420
Are you on about?

98
00:06:16,421 --> 00:06:20,689
Suppose Daryl had arranged with a mate
of his to send him a nice little wad for

99
00:06:20,690 --> 00:06:21,740
Christmas.

100
00:06:21,741 --> 00:06:25,249
You know, Luke, from the Great Train
Robbery or something, if Daryl had

101
00:06:25,250 --> 00:06:27,230
away. The Great Train Robbery?

102
00:06:27,490 --> 00:06:28,790
Daryl was only about four.

103
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,670
He could have bunked off place ago.

104
00:06:33,490 --> 00:06:35,370
The Frank says Thomas Cook.

105
00:06:36,090 --> 00:06:37,140
Frank who?

106
00:06:38,050 --> 00:06:39,350
Oh, my God.

107
00:06:39,930 --> 00:06:40,980
What is it?

108
00:06:40,981 --> 00:06:43,869
I've just remembered the last thing me
and Daryl ever did in this house

109
00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:45,050
together. Yeah.

110
00:06:46,630 --> 00:06:48,750
We were talking about a Christmas
cruise.

111
00:06:49,630 --> 00:06:51,860
Well, he must have booked it on his car
phone.

112
00:06:52,030 --> 00:06:55,529
Well, he was on his way to rob that
security van. Oh, that's what I call a

113
00:06:55,530 --> 00:06:56,610
considerate husband.

114
00:06:57,230 --> 00:07:03,849
A luxury winter cruise on the

115
00:07:03,850 --> 00:07:04,900
SS...

116
00:07:21,580 --> 00:07:26,699
go on holiday while he's languishing in
the nick well i could well you should

117
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:32,459
both go do the world of good even if it
is only economy class whatever that is i

118
00:07:32,460 --> 00:07:37,399
could do with a break from this lousy
country yeah i suppose it would be nice

119
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:42,500
for the three of us to get away for a
bit hang a bear it's only two tickets

120
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:00,490
What are you, Daryl?

121
00:08:00,820 --> 00:08:02,440
Where shall we go then, Butlins?

122
00:08:02,860 --> 00:08:03,940
You look great, sugar.

123
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:05,350
I'm tired.

124
00:08:05,351 --> 00:08:06,439
Here.

125
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:07,490
Oh, smashing.

126
00:08:14,180 --> 00:08:15,820
Have you got one for me, darling?

127
00:08:16,740 --> 00:08:20,470
No, but you can open this tube and I'll
tell you right where you can stick it.

128
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:23,120
Shut it, Stubbs.

129
00:08:28,780 --> 00:08:30,340
I know you've always wanted one.

130
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,100
Why? Not the... Why don't you open it
and see?

131
00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:34,750
Oh.

132
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:38,820
A video Walkman.

133
00:08:39,140 --> 00:08:41,059
Brilliant. Now I can take the football.

134
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:42,680
Happy Christmas, darling.

135
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:46,030
Hold tight, hold tight. Now, what the
hell's going on here?

136
00:08:46,031 --> 00:08:47,939
Well, it's his Christmas present, of
course.

137
00:08:47,940 --> 00:08:50,919
How did you get that past the gate? You
can't bring presents in here. I'll see

138
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:51,659
to it.

139
00:08:51,660 --> 00:08:54,300
The prison governor, the own secretary
and me.

140
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,430
Don't get your knickers in a twist,
darling.

141
00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:01,700
That is up your wearing, Annie.

142
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:03,060
Sit down, Stubbs.

143
00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:07,900
You can have it back later.

144
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:09,800
But it's his Christmas present.

145
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,739
He's in here to be punished for his
crimes against society, not to be

146
00:09:15,740 --> 00:09:18,210
mollycoddled with Japanese consumer
durables.

147
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:26,100
I hate you being in here, Daryl. Yeah,
the novelty's wearing thin for me too,

148
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,250
sugar.

149
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,060
These cruise tickets came yesterday.

150
00:09:31,340 --> 00:09:33,080
I don't know if I completely forgot.

151
00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:34,550
But there's only two.

152
00:09:34,551 --> 00:09:35,959
Of course.

153
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,739
We wouldn't have wanted Garfield on
playing Goodsbury, would we?

154
00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:41,990
Thought the whole idea was for a
romantic cruise for the two of us.

155
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:43,490
Imagine.

156
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,880
New Year's Eve beneath a tropical moon.

157
00:09:46,860 --> 00:09:48,520
Porpoises gambling in the surf.

158
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:50,650
Flying fish.

159
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:53,290
Flying about.

160
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,650
You and me cracking a bottle of Dom
Perignon on the poop.

161
00:09:58,110 --> 00:10:01,540
And what was we supposed to do with
Garfield? Put him in the kennels?

162
00:10:01,541 --> 00:10:04,709
I suspect he did it on a school trip or
something. I mean, there's always school

163
00:10:04,710 --> 00:10:06,450
trips and Christmas, isn't there?

164
00:10:06,451 --> 00:10:09,489
I mean, he don't want to be hanging
around with his mum and dad all the

165
00:10:09,490 --> 00:10:10,409
does he?

166
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:14,209
When we was 15, all we wanted was for
our parents to disappear off the face of

167
00:10:14,210 --> 00:10:16,440
Stoke Newiton so we could have a decent
snog.

168
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,000
Anyway,

169
00:10:18,001 --> 00:10:20,989
now I'm otherwise engaged, it don't
matter, does it?

170
00:10:20,990 --> 00:10:22,490
You can take Garfield instead.

171
00:10:22,610 --> 00:10:24,780
He'll love it. Yeah, but what about
Sharon?

172
00:10:24,831 --> 00:10:32,279
Well, if I go with Garfield, she'll be
all alone in the house over Christmas.

173
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:34,260
What, you think she'll wreck the joint?

174
00:10:34,740 --> 00:10:36,160
No, she'll be lonely.

175
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,120
Got friends, doesn't she? No, not
really.

176
00:10:39,580 --> 00:10:43,100
Tracy? She's lucky we let her live in
our home. Our palace.

177
00:10:43,620 --> 00:10:46,150
No, you go with Garfield. You don't owe
her nothing.

178
00:10:51,220 --> 00:10:57,600
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

179
00:11:17,079 --> 00:11:20,569
No, my father didn't allow us to
celebrate Christmas when I was young.

180
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:25,359
Younger. And Marcus doesn't go in for it
much, other than liking a goose on

181
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:26,410
Christmas Day.

182
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,650
Don't we all?

183
00:11:51,050 --> 00:11:53,160
Bought you 100 Christmas cards for £1
.99.

184
00:11:53,830 --> 00:11:56,790
I might have done. Why are you sitting
in the dark? Don't ask.

185
00:11:57,921 --> 00:11:59,989
Good visit.

186
00:11:59,990 --> 00:12:02,969
No, not really. That rotten screw
wouldn't let me give Daryl his Christmas

187
00:12:02,970 --> 00:12:07,109
present. It wouldn't by any chance be
the same screw that you kicked in a

188
00:12:07,110 --> 00:12:08,490
ghoulies on your last visit.

189
00:12:09,650 --> 00:12:11,050
Will he bear you a grudge?

190
00:12:12,510 --> 00:12:14,250
Well, what about the decorations?

191
00:12:15,410 --> 00:12:16,460
Who did all this?

192
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:19,970
Well, it was really funny, Tracey.

193
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:27,539
kitchen, having our cup of soup, when
all of a sudden we heard this strange

194
00:12:27,540 --> 00:12:28,960
rustling noise.

195
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:36,040
And we couldn't believe our eyes. There
was all these little pixies coming up.

196
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:38,860
Oh, they're lovely.

197
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,240
Nice for sharing over Christmas.

198
00:12:41,241 --> 00:12:43,479
Well, not we're going to get full
benefit.

199
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,220
What, a cruise leaving on the 23rd?

200
00:12:45,780 --> 00:12:46,830
Yeah, the cruise.

201
00:12:51,510 --> 00:12:52,990
Look, I had a word with Daryl.

202
00:12:53,310 --> 00:12:54,390
It weren't no mistake.

203
00:12:54,750 --> 00:12:56,310
There was only ever two tickets.

204
00:12:57,130 --> 00:13:00,860
So I'm sorry, Shell, but me and Garfield
are going to have to go without you.

205
00:13:01,090 --> 00:13:02,140
Oh, no, you won't.

206
00:13:02,770 --> 00:13:03,820
Oh, yes, we will.

207
00:13:04,530 --> 00:13:05,580
Oh, no, you won't.

208
00:13:05,830 --> 00:13:06,880
Oh, yes, we will.

209
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:11,349
Oh, no, you won't. Oh, yes, we will.
Look, I love a good pantomime, but I've

210
00:13:11,350 --> 00:13:12,229
to go.

211
00:13:12,230 --> 00:13:14,030
I'm interviewing a new au pair at six.

212
00:13:14,031 --> 00:13:16,669
Yeah, well, you'd better hurry or you'll
miss her.

213
00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:17,720
Him.

214
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,510
Oh, no, you won't. Oh, yes, I will,
business about.

215
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:25,779
Garfield phoned when you was out.

216
00:13:25,780 --> 00:13:26,830
Is he all right?

217
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,340
Yeah, yeah, he's in great form.

218
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:30,859
Only he ain't coming home for Christmas.

219
00:13:30,860 --> 00:13:34,780
What? I don't know. He's going on a
school choir trip to Germany or

220
00:13:35,220 --> 00:13:37,220
I hope you ain't winding me up, Sharon.

221
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,420
Aren't you, Tracey? It's the truth.

222
00:13:39,421 --> 00:13:41,599
Yeah, well, it better not be a wind -up.

223
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:42,650
Are you phoning?

224
00:13:42,660 --> 00:13:43,710
The school.

225
00:13:46,220 --> 00:13:47,300
Headmaster's office.

226
00:13:49,260 --> 00:13:50,310
Dr. Kenworthy.

227
00:13:50,460 --> 00:13:51,510
Hello.

228
00:13:52,420 --> 00:13:54,940
This is Mrs. Stubbs, Garthy's mummy.

229
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,800
I've just had a garbled message about
some choral trip abroad.

230
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,490
Oh, really?

231
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,660
I didn't even know he was in the school
choir.

232
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:08,060
I've only ever heard him scream along
with Def Leppard.

233
00:14:12,820 --> 00:14:15,240
Yes, yes, I suppose it is a honour.

234
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,080
Of course, if he really wants to go.

235
00:14:23,220 --> 00:14:25,180
And a Merry Christmas to you, too.

236
00:14:26,620 --> 00:14:27,670
Honour?

237
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:31,770
How am I going to get through Christmas
without my garfy?

238
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:34,300
It's still got me, Trice.

239
00:14:35,340 --> 00:14:38,290
That's it. As far as I'm concerned,
Christmas is cancelled.

240
00:14:40,340 --> 00:14:41,720
Let me speak to her.

241
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:43,920
Ah, you've got yourself in.

242
00:14:51,210 --> 00:14:52,470
That should bring a run in.

243
00:14:53,850 --> 00:14:54,900
Ah!

244
00:14:55,230 --> 00:14:57,290
It's designed for train smokers.

245
00:14:58,630 --> 00:14:59,680
What the?

246
00:14:59,910 --> 00:15:02,510
I will, Tracey. Just wanted a quiet
word.

247
00:15:02,890 --> 00:15:03,940
What?

248
00:15:09,030 --> 00:15:11,410
Quiet word about your cruise.

249
00:15:11,770 --> 00:15:13,210
Oh, I'm going back to bed.

250
00:15:13,450 --> 00:15:16,160
Oh, Tracey, this is silly. Now sit down
and listen to me.

251
00:15:17,070 --> 00:15:18,810
Well, you're not talking me into it.

252
00:15:18,811 --> 00:15:22,069
Oh, don't you try and trick her into
enjoying herself.

253
00:15:22,070 --> 00:15:25,990
Now, you did say that Daryl wanted you
to go on this cruise.

254
00:15:26,270 --> 00:15:30,929
Yes, with my little Garthy. Yes, but in
your little Garthy's absence, would he

255
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,250
want you to deny yourself?

256
00:15:32,670 --> 00:15:34,290
No, he'd want you to go with me.

257
00:15:34,291 --> 00:15:38,009
I don't want to go with no one. Give me
the tickets and I'll find someone to go

258
00:15:38,010 --> 00:15:40,090
with. If I ain't going, you ain't going.

259
00:15:40,810 --> 00:15:43,310
You are so selfish, Tracey.

260
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,250
No, she isn't selfish, Sharon.

261
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,450
I'll give her a roof over her head.
You're not selfish. You're just

262
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:54,279
You're frightened of enjoying yourself.

263
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,799
Oh, I mean, no one can accuse you of...
I have never denied I'm a lover of life.

264
00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,340
And anything can try this.

265
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:03,720
Look, Tracy, I know you've had a
dreadful year.

266
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,090
You're telling me.

267
00:16:05,180 --> 00:16:09,399
But this is a godsend opportunity to get
away, to recharge your batteries, to

268
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,159
rest. Think about what you're going to
do with your life.

269
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:17,099
Exactly, Trice. In the old days, doctors
used to prescribe a long C -void as a

270
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:18,979
way of getting over it. Illness or
depression.

271
00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:19,999
Oh, yeah.

272
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:23,310
Most of the people on the Titanic were
only there for their health.

273
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:25,370
Look.

274
00:16:27,940 --> 00:16:32,480
You could have a wonderful time if you
would only relax and go with the flow.

275
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:35,810
Think of it.

276
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:41,720
Superb food, fabulous entertainment,
fresh sea air, magical ports of call.

277
00:16:42,020 --> 00:16:44,940
Far away places with strange standing
names.

278
00:16:46,970 --> 00:16:48,110
Oh, yeah, there is that.

279
00:16:48,510 --> 00:16:49,560
And the men?

280
00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:50,660
What?

281
00:16:50,770 --> 00:16:55,009
Well, most of the women on cruises are
elderly widows spending the money their

282
00:16:55,010 --> 00:16:56,870
husbands had heart attacks amassing.

283
00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:59,780
So a young, attractive girl could have
the pick of the men.

284
00:17:00,570 --> 00:17:04,469
Dorian! Now, most of the male passengers
will be even more decrepit than the

285
00:17:04,470 --> 00:17:06,349
women. But they'll be stunning.

286
00:17:07,290 --> 00:17:10,910
A handsome, blonde, vitring officer.

287
00:17:11,569 --> 00:17:13,910
Not to mention the able seaman.

288
00:17:15,650 --> 00:17:16,700
Dorian!

289
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:23,259
When I went round the Caribbean with my
friend Jamie, the captain had me on his

290
00:17:23,260 --> 00:17:27,180
table. Three nights running and I'm not
talking dinner here.

291
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:30,530
There you are.

292
00:17:30,820 --> 00:17:34,579
Do you know, for a second there I was
weakening. It was just a floating

293
00:17:34,580 --> 00:17:35,630
shop.

294
00:17:37,620 --> 00:17:39,780
Thank you very much, Doris.

295
00:17:40,820 --> 00:17:44,220
You were very persuasive in a subtle
sort of way.

296
00:17:45,630 --> 00:17:46,890
Sorry, I got carried away.

297
00:17:47,850 --> 00:17:49,050
But don't worry, Sharon.

298
00:17:49,750 --> 00:17:51,650
There's more than one way to skin a cat.

299
00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:03,989
Tracy, if you really don't want to use
those tickets, I'll take them off your

300
00:18:03,990 --> 00:18:05,040
hands.

301
00:18:05,190 --> 00:18:06,240
You what?

302
00:18:06,690 --> 00:18:08,920
Tracy, don't ignore me. You're not my
mother.

303
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,300
You'll take them off my hands?

304
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:17,820
Yeah. What do you mean?

305
00:18:19,020 --> 00:18:20,480
Well, I'll buy them.

306
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:31,720
To make a nice surprise for Marcus.

307
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:34,270
Well, are you sure? They're a lot of
money.

308
00:18:34,340 --> 00:18:35,390
Hang about.

309
00:18:35,460 --> 00:18:36,510
What about me?

310
00:18:36,511 --> 00:18:39,619
He can afford it. He's had a very
successful year. Anyway, I'll put it on

311
00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:41,800
business. I don't believe this.

312
00:18:41,801 --> 00:18:45,559
But I thought you and Marcus lived
separate lives.

313
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:46,610
No, not separate.

314
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,400
Semi -detached.

315
00:18:49,380 --> 00:18:52,700
But he's still my husband, and he's been
working far too hard.

316
00:18:52,701 --> 00:18:56,479
No, he could do with a couple of weeks
off. No point being the richest man in

317
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:57,139
the cemetery.

318
00:18:57,140 --> 00:18:59,250
A couple of weeks? It's a six -week
cruise.

319
00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:00,590
I know.

320
00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:04,799
So Marcus takes a fortnight's break,
then he flies back from the Far East,

321
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,480
can really start enjoying myself.

322
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:10,350
You're unbelievable, you are. All right,
I'll get you the tickets.

323
00:19:11,530 --> 00:19:13,750
And I'd better go make my peace with
Sharon.

324
00:19:16,670 --> 00:19:17,720
Sharon!

325
00:19:59,211 --> 00:20:05,719
Looks like there's going to be some
great films on over Christmas, eh?

326
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:06,770
Yeah.

327
00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:08,580
The Poseidon Adventure.

328
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:10,880
Mutiny on the Bounty.

329
00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:12,720
The Love Boat.

330
00:20:13,020 --> 00:20:14,520
Carry On Cruising.

331
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:17,520
What's all that then?

332
00:20:17,820 --> 00:20:19,800
Just felt like splashing out a bit.

333
00:20:20,340 --> 00:20:21,440
Oh, sorry.

334
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,320
I mean, it is Christmas, isn't it?

335
00:20:24,620 --> 00:20:25,670
Is it?

336
00:20:25,820 --> 00:20:27,380
I'd heard it had been cancelled.

337
00:20:27,700 --> 00:20:30,620
Look, perhaps there was a bit of a moody
care last week.

338
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,010
Would you try?

339
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,080
to the idea of Garfield being away.

340
00:20:37,220 --> 00:20:38,680
Here, look at this.

341
00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:42,300
Christmas pudding made with real
armagnac.

342
00:20:42,780 --> 00:20:46,460
Lovely. An individual cocktail -sized
kitchen.

343
00:20:46,461 --> 00:20:48,239
What for?

344
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,410
Well, in case anyone pops round for a
drink.

345
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:51,750
Like who?

346
00:20:51,940 --> 00:20:52,990
Father Christmas?

347
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:55,740
No one's going to pop round for a drink.

348
00:20:56,180 --> 00:21:00,339
We don't know anyone round here except
Dorian and Margaret, and they'll be off

349
00:21:00,340 --> 00:21:01,920
somewhere having our...

350
00:21:03,121 --> 00:21:05,149
I'm sorry, Shell.

351
00:21:05,150 --> 00:21:07,260
I suppose the cruise would have been
nice.

352
00:21:07,610 --> 00:21:08,770
Well, it ain't too late.

353
00:21:09,050 --> 00:21:12,060
You can still get the tickets back off
Dorian. Of course I can.

354
00:21:12,130 --> 00:21:13,810
I mean, they're sailing tomorrow.

355
00:21:14,110 --> 00:21:15,160
Has she paid you?

356
00:21:15,161 --> 00:21:16,249
Well, not yet.

357
00:21:16,250 --> 00:21:18,229
She's got to get Marcus to write the
cheque out.

358
00:21:18,230 --> 00:21:20,989
But he can't write the cheque out yet
because she ain't told him it's down on

359
00:21:20,990 --> 00:21:21,929
the cruise yet.

360
00:21:21,930 --> 00:21:25,589
Well, then that ain't really us yet, are
they? Oh, we can't do them out of their

361
00:21:25,590 --> 00:21:27,210
holiday now. It wouldn't be fair.

362
00:21:27,590 --> 00:21:28,640
Oh, no.

363
00:21:29,030 --> 00:21:32,280
Doing me out of my holiday's enough for
one Christmas, isn't it?

364
00:21:34,511 --> 00:21:36,159
he's going?

365
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,719
Well, Dorian's told Marcus they're going
to see some friends of, and then when

366
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:41,399
they get there, she'll spring it on him.

367
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,810
Well, like Jeremy Beadle, it'll be a
real blast.

368
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,060
Oh, yeah.

369
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,500
Side -splitting. I can hardly catch me
breath.

370
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,060
Oh, come on, shall.

371
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:04,880
No, I won't come on, Trace.

372
00:22:06,350 --> 00:22:11,229
I can't share in your new -fan mood of
general hilarity, but I had a once -in

373
00:22:11,230 --> 00:22:15,910
-lifetime chance to see the world and
meet interesting, rich old men.

374
00:22:16,210 --> 00:22:18,190
And you've had to cut from me lips.

375
00:22:18,850 --> 00:22:22,650
When will I ever get a chance to even
set foot aboard a luxury liner again?

376
00:22:24,930 --> 00:22:25,980
Aha.

377
00:22:26,810 --> 00:22:27,860
Ha what?

378
00:22:29,030 --> 00:22:30,270
Aha, aha.

379
00:22:31,290 --> 00:22:33,190
Aha, aha what?

380
00:22:33,830 --> 00:22:35,210
That's where you're wrong.

381
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:42,110
Dorian's only given me these two passes
to go on Baltimore and see him off.

382
00:22:44,300 --> 00:22:46,540
You're some kind of sadist, you are.

383
00:22:46,541 --> 00:22:50,339
It's going to make it worse, isn't it? I
thought you'd like to go and see the

384
00:22:50,340 --> 00:22:53,719
boat. We can go and have tea. The cakes
are supposed to be something else.

385
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:54,770
What? Frog?

386
00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:57,060
Wood? Brick? Oh, Sharon.

387
00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:01,340
Oh, you go. I can't face it. I told
Dorian we'd both turn up.

388
00:23:01,341 --> 00:23:05,199
Well, then you can go on your own, then.
But I don't want to go on my own, then.

389
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,250
Well...

390
00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:16,120
No, no, don't do me no favour.

391
00:23:16,121 --> 00:23:19,639
I can be just as depressed in our age as
they are. No, no, if you're going to

392
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:23,360
throw a wobbler all over the shop...
Well, go and see them off.

393
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:24,650
All right?

394
00:23:24,940 --> 00:23:25,990
Happy?

395
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:28,250
No.

396
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:30,850
Me neither.

397
00:23:33,380 --> 00:23:40,299
It'll be lonely this Christmas Lonely
and blue It'll be

398
00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:41,350
lonely...

399
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:47,240
Lonely without you, it'll be lonely...

400
00:24:14,830 --> 00:24:17,710
Thank you. It's a lovely post, Dorian.
Thank you, Tracy.

401
00:24:17,970 --> 00:24:21,640
Do you know how many nylons? Don't wait
to make that. Oh, shall we, please?

402
00:24:21,910 --> 00:24:23,110
We're not on the boat yet.

403
00:24:23,250 --> 00:24:25,570
We can tell Marcus yet. Don't worry, he
knows.

404
00:24:25,571 --> 00:24:26,789
Where is he?

405
00:24:26,790 --> 00:24:28,150
He's on board, working out.

406
00:24:28,151 --> 00:24:30,489
What, in the gym on one of them nowhere
-less machines?

407
00:24:30,490 --> 00:24:32,780
No, in a cabin on one of those adding
machines.

408
00:24:32,970 --> 00:24:36,040
What? He's working out how much this
present is going to cost.

409
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:45,940
This is the Equator Lounge, where they
serve tea and also it's used for

410
00:24:46,180 --> 00:24:48,060
Dancing? It's like a bailing walk.

411
00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:51,270
Don't you take your partners for a
zimmer slope, then?

412
00:24:51,271 --> 00:24:55,099
It's really fun, though, isn't it? Shit,
Sharon.

413
00:24:55,100 --> 00:24:57,150
Yeah, I've got with me. I'm sorry,
Sharon.

414
00:24:57,151 --> 00:24:59,119
Can I have a look at this, please? Look.

415
00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:00,170
Typical dinner menu.

416
00:25:00,740 --> 00:25:06,059
Smoked salmon with a little caviar or
gazpacho or Mediterranean prawns

417
00:25:06,060 --> 00:25:08,940
by roast ribs of beef. Can our dogs come
and cook?

418
00:25:11,850 --> 00:25:14,680
What? It's duck, served with a sauce
made from tiny eggs.

419
00:25:14,681 --> 00:25:17,869
What? You're having a dinner in your
arse. You've got the same plate.

420
00:25:17,870 --> 00:25:21,289
I'm not giving it a bash. There's no
chance there'll be a hole in it. Well,

421
00:25:21,290 --> 00:25:23,869
tell you what. I'll start the third for
the set clean.

422
00:25:23,870 --> 00:25:26,930
Come on.

423
00:25:30,450 --> 00:25:32,730
Are they great?

424
00:25:33,230 --> 00:25:34,730
Duke Ellington, how do you do?

425
00:25:40,641 --> 00:25:43,219
A bit of banter with a crow?

426
00:25:43,220 --> 00:25:46,940
Well, we ain't doing the cruise. I'd die
of embarrassment ten times a day.

427
00:25:46,941 --> 00:25:50,359
I don't know where Marcus could have got
to. It's not like him to be so

428
00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:55,579
thoughtless. Perhaps he's been
distracted by the myriad of diversions a

429
00:25:55,580 --> 00:25:56,680
cruise ship can offer.

430
00:25:56,900 --> 00:25:59,600
Or taking a swim in one of the three
heated pools.

431
00:26:00,020 --> 00:26:01,120
Or in the sauna.

432
00:26:01,380 --> 00:26:02,430
Or the gym.

433
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,180
Or having a squash lesson from the
onboard pro.

434
00:26:05,820 --> 00:26:11,600
Or watching a first -run film in the air
-conditioned cinema with Dolby Stereo.

435
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,040
Or having a haircut or a manicure.

436
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:18,220
Or enjoying the sophisticated
surroundings of the casino.

437
00:26:18,221 --> 00:26:21,959
So knowing, Marcus. He's probably just
taking a sleep in the cabin. The

438
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:23,859
luxuries. All right, all right, you two.

439
00:26:23,860 --> 00:26:26,510
I admit it, I was wrong. I wish I was
going on the cruise.

440
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:27,730
Now, don't rub it in.

441
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:29,420
I'll just go and look for him.

442
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:31,010
Wait here.

443
00:26:42,510 --> 00:26:43,560
Do you hear that?

444
00:26:44,330 --> 00:26:47,410
Yeah. She said first call for visitors
down the shop. Oh, right.

445
00:26:47,990 --> 00:26:49,950
Are you sure? Yes, come on.

446
00:26:50,590 --> 00:26:53,110
Look, that door in a marker. That door
in a marker.

447
00:27:03,190 --> 00:27:04,240
Is it up or down?

448
00:27:04,410 --> 00:27:07,060
Down or behind the sea level, wouldn't
it, you dope?

449
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,360
our cabins to get changed from the
canardo kumquats.

450
00:28:10,020 --> 00:28:11,070
Changed?

451
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:13,500
Dorian smuggled all our gear on board.

452
00:28:14,780 --> 00:28:16,100
I've been had, haven't I?

453
00:28:16,860 --> 00:28:19,100
Not yet, but we live in home.

454
00:28:45,820 --> 00:28:48,960
I say, the door has gone off with a
captain.

455
00:28:49,260 --> 00:28:50,460
He's driving the boat.

456
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:52,380
Shit, Sharon.

457
00:28:52,430 --> 00:28:56,980
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